109. My Favourite Compliment

It’s not one that I knew I wanted, but when I heard it, I felt great about myself. During a wide ranging conversation with a client, they stated that they didn’t think there was anything they could say that would offend me.

Before moving on, I’ll just agree with you. You’re right, that’s not true. I can be offended. I’m not that secure, but this person figured I was, and it felt great.

Wouldn’t it be nice to know that everyone around you was confident enough in who you are that they felt they could let their guard down and speak their mind when they’re with you? I think it would.

I think our relationships would be better. I think upcoming Christmas dinners would be more enjoyable. I think we’d learn more. I think we’d all be better off if there was an assumption that no one would walk away offended, and even better if that assumption was true.

Does a world in which that happens exist? Perhaps not, so what’s my point?

Well, in short, don’t be so offended. Stop pulling away from things that grind your gears. Start leaning in. Shrug your shoulders, smile, nod, increase your genuine use of the word “interesting”. Ask questions, get curious, uncover more of the world and consider yourself enriched as a result.

The notion that everything we don’t like must be wrong is a notion we need to toss. The catch is that this includes things about ourselves.

Someone says something about you and you’re offended. Could this be a sign that some buttons got pushed? Could this be something you might want to learn more about? Does it offend you because it was warranted? No? Fair enough. Then shrug it off and move on.

If you know yourself, then you know what’s warranted. Or at least you think you do. Author and speaker Ryan Leak might argue otherwise. He says the moment you think you’re self aware is likely the moment that confirms you are not. True self awareness comes from looking outward at others and considering who they must perceive you to be. You cannot be self aware if you only look inward. If that doesn’t make sense, watch this video:

Now what does it take to shrug it off and move on from what you used to be offended by? I would answer that question with one word: Confidence.

Confidence in yourself, confidence in the direction you’re going, confidence in your beliefs and values. If you have confidence in those things, what can I say to that would offend you?

This is where we seem to get it wrong. As confident as we might be in ourselves, our direction, our beliefs and our values, we still take offence when someone thinks we should be different. My suggestion is to take a page out of Ray Dalio’s book and adopt an attitude of radical open-mindedness.

The very fact that a number 1 New York Times bestselling author feels the need to use the word “radical” to get his point across when it comes to being open minded perfectly illustrates my point here. It’s considered radical to be open minded these days (Principles was published in 2017).

It’s been engrained in us to view different opinions as incorrect or offensive. As a result, we walk around on eggshells all day. Either that, or we’re always ready for a fight. The alternative would be to develop the skill of being open minded. Develop the ability to assume it’s possible that there is some merit to the things that used to offend you.

It doesn’t mean you have to change your world view, but it might mean that your old habit of defending yourself might have to change. If I’m not offended, I don’t need to defend. The habit of explaining just why it’s reasonable to be offended needs to end. See Coffee With Cody issue #51: Stop Explaining.

At this point, I can see how I may have lost you. I’m making sense to myself, which is really the main benefit I get from these blogs, but it would be unreasonable to expect you to read this as I intended it. If you don’t get it, that’s fine, I’ll try writing a better blog next week.

If you have feedback, let me know and I’ll try not to be offended.

— Cody

PS: If you have thoughts about this or any other issue of Coffee With Cody, I’d love to hear them.

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See you next Thursday.

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