79. Say No

It always seems to be one of the first words that kids learn to use on a regular basis, but it also seems like a word we start using only for our pets.

No.

All I’d like to suggest to you today is that you ought to say “no” more.

Don’t get wrapped into doing things that you don’t want to do because you didn’t want to say no.

Being agreeable is great, but not at the expense of your actual desires. We are not better as a result of being places and doing things that we didn’t choose because we didn’t say “no I don’t want to”.

We eat crap we don’t want, visit with people we don’t like and find ourselves in positions we would never choose because of our inability to say no.

Develop the ability.

Be confident in yourself. Be willing to go against the grain. Be willing to say no.

We work too hard on things we think are stupid. Elon Musk calls it optimizing something that shouldn’t exist. If we said no more often, we’d probably have more time to do the things that add energy to our lives instead of things that take energy.

Derek Sivers has one of the more brilliant ideas on this topic and he puts it quite plainly:

People lack excitement. There’s not enough pulling us out of bed in the morning. It’s because we know the day ahead is not the one we wish we had. We tolerate too much, and like we’ve discussed before, we’ll always end up with what we tolerate.

So say no.

This is how good companies become great ones. That, and level 5 leadership of course (see Good to Great by Jim Collins). Great companies don’t waste time on projects that don’t move the needle closer to their goals.

The people making the biggest difference in the world aren’t the ones filling their calendars with obligations they wish they didn’t have. If it doesn’t align with your pursuit of a worthy ideal, get rid of it.

That’s what the great Earl Nightingale called true success. The continual pursuit of a worthy ideal. This is impossible if we’re always pursuing someone else’s ideal.

At the same time, I do get it. There are necessary “yes” seasons. In business, when you’re getting started, you have to be a yes person. I imagine, as a parent, you probably have to say yes for your kids when you wish you could say no. Sometimes you have to put others before yourself. It’s those times when your ideal “no” has to be a “yes”.

But consider why you would say yes to something that isn’t exactly life giving for you, for the sake of someone you care about. When you give that yes, you’re really saying no, I will not neglect to help this person. Or you might be saying no, I will not neglect to take this opportunity to set the foundation of my career for the next 2 decades.

Saying no is not meant to be an automatic response. It’s supposed to be a thoughtful decision. That thoughtful decision making process is easier if you know who you are.

Making a yes or no decision is simply a matter of does this or does this not align with my mission and vision of my ideal life?

You need a reason for your no’s.

Not everyone will understand your reasons, but enough will.

Like I said before, being agreeable is great, but it’s not a benefit to others to be a people pleaser. They’ll never know the real you if you don’t plant your foot down on what you will or won’t tolerate.

In my experience, you may end up with fewer friends if you’re confident in saying no, but you’ll have better ones. The friends you’ll have will align with you better, support you more and become partners in your pursuit of a worthy ideal.

Don’t let people be calendar hogs. There’s too much to be done to be busy optimizing things that shouldn’t exist.

Make the decision to stop doing things that you don’t want to do. Don’t do things because you’ve always done them or because someone else thinks you should.

It will take practice at first, but over time, it will help you develop a deeper confidence in yourself.

I’d be willing to bet that you can think of a time when you wanted to say no but said yes out of some sort of unnecessary obligation you felt. The next time you’re in that position, say no.

Replace the time you may have spent with something that you really want to do. Do that a few times in a row and you might find yourself living a more fulfilling life.

— Cody

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See you next Thursday.

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